My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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