i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
