You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
