Redeem this text for a blowjob
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
