I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
