guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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