You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
