Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The police scanner is talking about you again....
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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