i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
