I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
