i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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