Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
