Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
