We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
