ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
