Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
