it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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