No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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