omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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