I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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