there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
