I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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