if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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