i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
