Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
