Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
