all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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