1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
