You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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