my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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