I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
