Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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