i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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