she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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