This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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