So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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