i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
