connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
