I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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