Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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