she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
