Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
