Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
