Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
