Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
