Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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