I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
