I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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