508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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