matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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