this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
