I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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